The spate of divorce in our society is becoming a worrisome development. We are witnesses to marriages of few week months, and years that collapsed every now and then. It is one thing for couples to marry and another thing for them to stay married. What are the causes of divorce, one may ask? An exposé of this all-important topic will invariable help the married, the single and the searching to avoid the occurrence of this ugly phenomenon that has bedeviled the God ordained institution of marriage as an insolvable union. Early this Month, precisely on 4th of October, 2015, Rev. Fr. Ejike Mbaka, the Spiritual Director of Adoration Ministry, Enugu – Nigeria, launched a Prayer battle against this tide of broken marriages after he had allowed the worshiper to identify the causes’.
In identifying the causes of divorce, the worshippers had this to say:
LACK OF KNOWLEDGE
It is lack of knowledge that causes divorce. The Bible says that my people perish because of lack of knowledge. Married people lack the knowledge of the fact that every marriage is avocation and every vocation has a cross. Many thought that marriage is a bed of roses. That is why in every little challenge they have, they would want to separate. So, we must learn to endure our crosses as that will take us to heaven.
Pushing a child into marriage when she doesn’t know anything or understand what marriage means. When the child grows up, she would run away to go and experience the outside world.
HUMAN RIGHTS/EQUAL RIGHT
Non Government Organisations, otherwise called NGOs, these days, teach people about human rights. They say that men and women have equal rights. So this teaching enters the head of women that they forget that come what may, men are meant to be on top.
LACK OF CONTENTMENT BY MEN
Men are not contented with what they have. You can see a man that has a very beautiful wife at home, a woman that is as beautiful as an eagle yet, the man will prefer to run after another woman outside his marriage. By the time the man’s wife will see this, there will be trouble in the family.
GAP BETWEEN THE COUPLES
In my own understanding, God prepared marriage between husband and wife before the foundation of the earth. I call my wife “My second mother”. Whenever she is not around, there is no way I can be comfortable without her. When it is this way, there is no way a man will have the time to look at another woman. Money doesn’t guarantee marriage. Rather, it is the support of God that sustains marriage.
MOTHER’S NEGATIVE ENCOURAGEMENT
We mothers contribute 70% of broken marriages. It could be the mother of the husband or that of the wife. When your married daughter comes to you and complains against her husband, you, as her mother, should give her a positive encouragement. You should use your own experience as a mother to advise your daughter on how to stay married to her husband.
LATE MARRIAGE AND ZERO LOVE
Some men and women would not marry on time. It will get to a point that they will decide just to marry any type of man or woman just for the sake of being married. In such families love would be lacking. The man will not be telling his wife the truth and the wife will not be telling her husband the truth.
Sometimes, a man may seek a lady’s hand in marriage. The lady’s mother may see that the man is rich and will encourage her daughter to marry the man for his money. When the daughter enters the marriage and her mother sees that the money was no longer coming to her as she expected, she would tell her daughter to come out. Again, sometimes the problem can be from the parents of the man. When they see that their son is married, they will give him one year and after that and the wife was not able to give birth, they will begin to ask their son if he is married to a man. When the time prolongs, they will continue to pressure their son until he throws away his wife and they will bring another wife for him.
LACK OF PROPER EXPOSURE TO LOVE MAKING/ DENIAL OF SEX
We parents are the cause. We fail to explain to our children that there is more to marriage than mere child bearing. Sometimes, after the first delivery, a woman would begin to resist her husband’s love advances when the baby was still under one year because someone outside had advised her so. Such woman is not informed that those things are part of marriage. When the wife continues to resist the husband, the husband may go outside and seek advice from his friends and they will mislead him by introducing him to another woman that will be satisfying his sexual desires. When this happens, the family will be torn apart. Again, sometimes a man may be keeping a woman outside and after meeting the woman and he returns home, he will throw his face away from his wife whenever she casts love eyes on him. So, parents should teach their children about love in marriage. White people maintain their love lives even when they are 100 years but here, once we deliver one or two children, our love making will go into oblivion.
Sometimes, a man will tell his wife: ‘don’t do this or that’ but she will insist that she will be doing it all the time. Another one is taking the conversation between you and your husband to outsiders. It tears the family apart.
In my own understanding, what causes divorce in marriage is desperation to marry. Sometimes, our mothers will push their daughters to marry because all their mates were getting married. They would make the house so uncomfortable for their daughters that they will be forced to marry. More often than not, such daughters marry men that are not their husbands as they will force themselves into such men’s hands. Sometimes, a girl under this kind of pressure will allow herself to be impregnated so as to hook the man and the man would be forced to marry her. Before you know it, the love would disappear and the marriage goes with it. Again, some woman swore that they will never marry a man that is not rich. I have a friend that told me that any time I heard that she was getting married, I should know that it is because of the man’s money that she is getting married to him. In such circumstance, when a woman marries a man because of his money and the money disappears after the marriage, the woman will disappear as well.
FAKE PROPHETS/ CHURCHES
I am talking from experience. There are two things that cause divorce. First is lack of matrimonial love. The second is fake prophesies from some pentecostal bishops and pastors. Sometimes, they will tell the man to throw his wife away because she is the cause of his misfortunes. It pains me that inconsequential people these days open churches here and there and call themselves pastors and prophets. When a man comes to such church with his wife to worship God, the pastor/prophet will give the wife some prayers and send the man away and from there, he will snatch the man’s wife from him. Again, there are some churches that encourage divorce and separation in marriage, even at the point of the wedding of the couples. I know of a case where the couples told me that when they wedded, the vow they made was ‘for better we stay, for worse we depart.’ I thought it was a joke until I met the pastor who confirmed it and told me that why he allows such vows is to let the couples off the hook once they find out insincerity on either partner.
LACK OF PATIENCE, ENDURANCE AND TOLERANCE
Osadebe, the popular highlife music artist, once said that it is with one eye that a man marries a woman. The man and the woman should marry each other with one eye. This doesn’t mean that they should plug out one of their eyes but rather, they should be patient and tolerant.
There is always one person to every marriage who sustains that marriage. It is either the man or the woman. Anytime that person gets tired of continuing to endure what is happening in the marriage, it will breakup. So, we should ask God to help us keep one person that will continue to sustain the marriage. This way, the marriage will not breakup.
Divorce is an international battle. It is everywhere. From the history of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, it was not easy. The major causes of divorce to me are poverty, lack of obedience by a wife to her husband, lack of keeping secret and solving marital problems between the wife and husband alone, ie carrying their family matters to the hearing of the public and lack of endurance.
INTERFERENCE BY RELATIVES
When a man and woman marries, they should be allowed to marry each other in peace. Everybody in their families should overlook them. Sometimes, after a man marries, his sisters who are married elsewhere will be meddling into the man’s family telling him that his wife is cheating him. Such unhealthy interference brings problem in marriage.
LACK OF LOVE AND HOLINESS
In the book of Ephesians, we were told that a woman should submit to her husband, and that the man should love his wife. The major thing is love. If a man loves his wife, he will not harm or hurt her. If a woman submits to her husband they will not have problem. In 1st Peter 1:16, the Bible says: ‘Be holy because I am holy’. Lack of Holiness is the problem in marriage. A woman is not meant to be naked before a man that is not her husband and a man is not meant to be naked before a woman who is not his wife. Our body is the temple of the Holy Spirit but many of us have continued to defile it. That is the problem that brings about divorce these days.
Sometimes, the husband and wife may live apart either by agreement or as a result of quarrels or misunderstanding. The Bible says: ‘what God has joined together, let no man put asunder.’ Such developments often lead to divorce.
PARENTS CHOOSING WIVES AND HUSBANDS FOR THEIR CHILDREN
Marriage is meant to be a free choice between two freely consenting and willing adults. Sometimes we parents choose spouses for our children and force them to it. When they get into the marriage, their hearts will not be there but elsewhere and this will often lead to divorce.
MARRIAGE BY CHARM
People make charms to hook a man or a woman. When you marry a man or woman with charm, such marriage will not last because the power of charms has expiry/dates. This is common among those who marry out of their age, desperation or out of material benefits. When a woman marries her right husband, they can never separate. Even if they have quarrels, they will still mend the fences and live together.
LACK OF THE WORD AND SPIRIT OF GOD
We don’t read the Bible. If we do and have the Holy Spirit in us, the Holy Spirit will teach us how to remain married. He will teach us how to avoid hurting our partners. When you want to commit adultery, the Holy Spirit will draw you back from it. John 1:1 says: In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God and the Word is God. Many of us here come to church without Bible. So how can we know how to handle our marital problems without knowing what God is telling us.
Divorce is caused by women sometimes. We keep our bodies and clothes clean before we marry and after the marriage, we begin to feel less concerned about our looks. This makes the man begin to look outside the marriage.
DRUNKENNESS AND LAZINESS BY MEN
Again some men are drunkards. After drinking, they would come back and fill every where with their vomits. Others come home and turn their wives to drums that they pounce and beat the way they like. All these make the woman to seek the way of walking out of the marriage. Sometimes, the woman will be the one catering for the family while the man lazy about. The woman would toil and toil and whenever the opportunity presents itself and she sees another man that cares about her she will quit her marriage and follow the man. This is not the solution. The man is meant to know his responsibilities in the family.
“BIG MAN PICK IN” SYNDROME
Sometime, divorce is more among the children of the big men. Most times, it is worst when the man comes from a rich family and the woman comes from a rich family too. In such instances, we will have a case of big man talk to big man. Any little quarrel, the man will show off and the woman will show off. This is unlike where the woman comes from a poor home. She wouldn’t run away because she will have no home to run to. She stays to endure her husband and try to make the marriage work.
You can see a guy that doesn’t have a barrow. Instead of working hard, he will go and borrow a big car to impress a woman and convince her to marry him. When the woman comes in and finds out that he is a deceiver, she will walk away.
When two human spirits come to marry each other, one knows God and the other doesn’t know God, there will be problem. When the two spirits marry, the one that knows God will like to be obedient to God while the other one will not. As the two continue to battle, there wouldn’t be peace in the marriage. This is because light and darkness cannot commune together.
PARENTAL ABDICATION OF RESPONSIBILITIES
Secondly, we parents these days, no longer have time to train our children. In a family where the father and the mother are busy pursuing money, they will never find time to study the character of their children and prepare them for marriages.
GSM MOBILE PHONES:
The use of mobile phones these days is the major cause of marriage breakdown. The sugar mummies and sugar daddies, that meet at junctions schedule their meetings with mobile phones. That the sugar mummy or daddy will pay money into your account is through mobile phone that the arrangements are made. It is with phones that appointments are made by people having extra marital affairs.
SAME SEX DELIVERY
What causes divorce in some cases is when a woman begins to deliver only female issues. The man would be bothered and people would advise him to go marry another wife. This happens also where the woman doesn’t give birth at all.
OCCULTIC BLOOD COVENANT.
These days, young people that want to marry make blood covenant while they indulge in premarital sex. They invoke some force that they don’t know to witness the promises they make to each other. When they eventually marry and fail to keep the promises they made, the force will go after them and pull down their marriage.
LACK OF ASSISTANCE DURING PRODUCTIVE YEARS
Some men do not care about their wives during their productive years. They just get their wives pregnant and allow her to suffer alone in carrying and raising the children. When the burden becomes unbearable for such a wife, she may decide to quit the marriage
LACK OF PRAYERS
These days, we undermine the power of prayers in marriage. Some parents do not know that they have an obligation to pray for their married children. We should pray for our children before they marry and while they are marrying and after they are married. It is prayers that sustain marriage.
LACK OF CARE FOR THE MAN.
Some women are just in the family like matter occupying space. His husband looks outside his marriage because she doesn’t care about him. Every man needs to be pampered just like a day-old baby. A man is like a vehicle, and if you don’t service the vehicle, the engine will knock. When you pamper, adore and take care of your husband just the way you take care of your hair, you will get the best out of that man. Men do not have problems as such. We, the women, are the cause of 99 percent of every problem in our family. Every day, you service your vehicle. You check the level of oil and water in your vehicle. You check your speedometer. That is the way you should pamper your husband. When you pamper your husband he will take care of you. When you pamper your husband, he will be faithful and truthful to you.
My husband calls me “professor of Love” because when you know how to pamper your husband, you will get the best out of him. You cultivate before you harvest and you can’t reap where you haven’t sowed. There are five secrets for you to have a happy home. One is communication, don’t allow a second to go without you communication with your husband. Many women here have phones. When last did you send a love text message to your husband? When last did you bath together with your husband? When last did you kiss that man you call your husband, show me your husband and I will tell you the woman you are. If your husband is tattered, it means you are a wicked woman. If your husband is a drunkard, it means you as woman, have failed to do your job. If God gave you money, see your husband as your own hair. We, women pamper our hair, change our hair and take care of it. That is the way we should treat our husbands. Sometimes we deny our husbands sex. That is the wrong thing to do because when you deny him sex, he will go out at that junction and get another woman that is more beautiful than you are. Sometimes, take the man out, take him into the bathroom and bath him, play with him and you will see the wonders of that man.
LACK OF MATURITY
Maturity is not all about age but all about emotional stability and a state of mental completeness. When the couples are emotionally stabilized, they can handle and control so many things. There are five types of love every couple should aspire to satisfy. They are companionship love, compassionate love, affectionate love, romantic love and passionate love. Once these are there your marriage will not break.
UNREASONABLE DEMAND BY WOMEN
How can a woman tell a man to give her five thousand Naira to do her hair in just one day when I know I can use the same amount as a man to have my hair cut for one whole year? Again during courtship, the woman and man used to have sex that is prohibited of them then. The woman will try her best to satisfy the man but when God eventually joins two of them together, the woman will be looking at her husband like a moron when he is making love to her. It makes their sexual life boring and uninteresting.