By Fidelia Asogwa
I once heard a woman telling her younger sister in a relationship and about to be married that she should try her best to enjoy all the love, feelings and attention now that she was still dating because all that would come to an end immediately after wedding. I was so surprised yet uncomfortable with such warning if I should call it that. The girl inquisitively asked the elder sister why the love and feelings would not continue but all she got back was “you can’t understand now until you enter into it.”
Must the love that brought two people close and made them decide to spend the rest of their lives together die off immediately after wedding? Must the feelings and joy found with each other disappear once they succeed getting married?
Your love for each other may change after marriage, but then it should not be allowed to go totally cold. Once love affair goes cold or soured, there is bound to be problem in such marriage.
It is the desire of every couple who made it to the altar to succeed but the truth is that not all that wedded are actually married in the real sense of it. Wedding is just a ceremony while marriage is the union between a mature minded man and woman who are ready to face the responsibilities and challenges of spending the rest of their lives together as husband and wife. But some people who are even mature minded grow so cold for each other just within a short period of time. Why is it so? And what actually can be done?
It may interest you to know that each day you spend with each other is either a building block to a stronger relationship or melting block capable of destroying the love between you both. But then what should one do to keep love glowing in marriage?
Here are some of the tips of keeping love fresh in your marriage.
- Grab the power of passionate kiss: Kiss is a special sign of love towards your partner. It has great affirmation power that reveals your inner affection towards your partner. Kissing your partner sincerely and passionately can bring lasting love and peace between you both. In fact, a psychology study undertaken in Germany found out that men who kissed their wives before leaving for work lived on average, five years longer earning 20% to 30% more than those who left without a good-bye kiss. The researchers also reported that not kissing one’s wife before leaving in the morning increased the possibility of a car accident by 50%.
- Kissing is a complex behaviour that requires significant muscular coordination involving a total of 34 facial muscles and 112 postural muscles. Psychologists do not believe it is the kiss itself that account for the difference but rather that kissers were likely to begin the day with positive attitude, leading to healthier lifestyle and successful marriage. Kissing has been studied in controlled experiment and it was found that increasing the frequency of kissing in marital relationships results in a reduction of perceived stress, an increase in relationship satisfaction, and a lowering of cholesterol levels. Kissing can also cause the adrenal gland to release epinephrine and norepinephrine (adrenaline and noradrenalin) into the blood, thereby causing adrenaline rush, which has a beneficial impact on the cardiovascular system because the heart pumps faster. In an experiment conducted by Dr. Alexander DeWees, a passionate kiss generally burns up to 2 -3 calories per minute. Another study confirmed that in a kissing session, 0.7 gm protein, 0.45gm fat, and 50 varieties of bacteria will die. I am sorry going into the science of kissing but it is just to stress its importance in your marriage. A good-bye kiss to your partner lingers in his mind hours after he has left the house. And this makes him productive and happier in discharging his duty. Longing for a welcome kiss makes him leave other distractions from friends or colleagues after work to come home into your arms. A passionate welcome kiss makes a man feel at home and appreciated.
- When last did you kiss that your partner in a passionate way? How often do you kiss him? Grab the power of passionate kiss especially the good-bye and welcome kiss and keep your love affair glowing and fresh in your marriage.
- Do your partner’s favourites: If you want your partner to love you more, do those things he appreciates constantly. There was a woman I know and almost all the time she wears the same hair style. I had watched her closely in different occasions; she is almost always carrying gel up and simple weavon on top. And that makes her look radiating. On enquiring as an inquisitive person to know the reason behind her hair style, I found out that that was her husband’s favourite hair style. Each time she wears the hair style, her husband feels on top of the world and would like to take her wherever he goes. To grab his attention towards her, she repeats the same hair style constantly. This also goes for cooking. Some group of men like particular kind of soup and if you must make them always appreciate you, you must prepare their favourite foods.
- Plan surprises: You can from time to time buy your partner stuffs that he does not have but needs. It must not be during birthdays or special events like anniversary. You can sometimes, drive over to his office and pick him up for a lunch not always leaving him in the company of office colleagues. If you find out his schedule for the day in the office would be too tight, you can package his lunch across to him at the appropriate time. He would appreciate such. Sometimes life gets so busy we forget to do something out of the ordinary for the other. Small surprises can renew that love you so much desire from your partner.
- Be interested in your partner’s interest: Take for instance, let assume your husband is a Man U fan and you are a Chelsea fan and it happens that each time Man U fumbles you mock them using some wrong words, you may be unknowingly sowing a seed of hatred between you and your husband. This may sound funny but it is serious. Couples have fought because of their different interests on fan or football clubs. If you are a Chelsea fan before getting married to a Man U fan husband, it is better to decamp physically to Man U than to be a rival to his interest. Start loving what he loves and get interested in his interests; that will always keep you both happy.
- Learn to praise your partner: Praise is a great gift, and it is so easy to give. Critically look at those things that make your spouse unique and proud of himself and develop the habit of praising him for such special things. As a wife, you should know that men have ego naturally and that praise boosts it. Keep on appreciating him over any achievement made. Don’t allow outsiders show or give him more appreciation than you.
- Be transparent: Marriage or relationship flourish in an atmosphere of emotional transparency, especially when both speak clearly about their deep emotions such as fear, sadness and longing. Couples should learn how to speak difficult truths in friendly ways. The way you speak to your partner determines the response you get and the accompanying resentment. For instance, if you say “I will destroy you any day I see you cheating on me with another woman” This statement will invoke negative reaction from your partner than if you say “Any day I see you cheating on me with another woman, I would like to know what I have done.” With the second statement, he would reason hard before voicing out instead of going into defense like with the first statement. Choose your words but be expressive and firm with your convictions.
- Share your responsibilities: Marital love thrives better when partners share responsibility for issues and duties. On a daily basis, love grows when each person takes full responsibility for any issue that arises. Vitality surges when both partners stop blaming and start claiming ownership of problems. By contrast, most people try to apportion responsibility by asking the wrong question: Whose problem is it? This kind of question always leads to blame, conflict, and power struggle. Instead of always pointing accusing finger at each other, sit down and detect where the problem is coming from and accept your responsibility where you have shortcoming. This increases the love and sincerity for each other.
- Put your best in your marriage: In every relationship, one partner consistently puts more energy into the relationship than the other partner. Over time, this imbalance causes the initiator to feel tired and unappreciated. The resolution is not to focus on getting the other partner to change and put forth more energy and sacrifice into the relationship but for the initiator to make a commitment to his or her marriage. If your partner is not showing full commitment to holding the relationship tight, you should hold it tight. One person must lead in holding it then the other person reciprocates. But it is always better if the two can mutually invest their energy and sacrifice for the marriage for the happiness of both. To maintain love flow in your marriage, you should not give communication a gap. Always express yourselves, share your views and resolve your differences. Don’t pretend to be fine or okay with the situation when you are not.
- Learnt the art of forgiveness: Forgiveness does not end as far as married couple desire to succeed. No matter how hard the offense may be, you should always have the mindset to forgive but be sure you are not taken for granted. It is the mark of a humble mind to forgive and let go. It might not be easy, but it is doable as far as it keeps your love and affection for each other glowing.