Tuesday , 31 January 2023


By Fidelia Asogwa

For married couple, sex is supposed to be a pleasurable experience since they have nothing to fear unlike the unmarried.  But when couple experience lack of pleasure or joy during sex, there is something wrong that needs to be handled.

Most times, this problem happens to either the husband or the wife and so affects the sexual response and the joy they should have derived from sex.  Constant lack of sexual pleasure affects couple in such a way that could even make them want to avoid having sex even though they are married.

Sex is more than just a physical response.  It involves the coordination of both mind and emotion in order to trigger the arousal necessary for pleasurable experience.  Arousal is tied to your emotion.  When your mind is too stressed out to focus on sex, your body can’t get excited either for better performance.  And when this continues for a long time, there could be cracks in your marital relationship that could spell doom for the marriage.

Causes of Sexual Performance Anxiety

Many kinds of worries can cause sexual performance anxiety.  These include:

  • Fear that you won’t perform well in bed and satisfy your partner sexually.
  • Fear relating to body image such as being over weight, being too thin or just not being comfortable concerning your body.
  • Marital problems resulting to difficulties in your relationship
  • A man’s worry over the size of his penis, either because it is too short or too thin or probably the penis is on the big side which could frighten his partner.
  • A man’s concern about ejaculating prematurely.
  • A woman’s anxiety about not being able to have an orgasm or enjoy the sexual experience.
  • A woman’s fear that she may not measure up sexually compare to the ex of the husband especially if the husband constantly makes remarks about that.  As a man, the worst thing you can do to knock off your woman sexually is to tell her she does not measure up to your ex in terms of sexual performance.  And probably you are not teaching her how best to do it.  Once you make such remarks, she would rarely bring out her best due to fear that she may not satisfy you.
  • A man’s fear resulting from his inability to maintain erection throughout the sex experience.  Some men that have erectile dysfunction usually develop a kind of negative mindset that affects them during sex.

These anxieties cause your body to launch a response that affect your sexual performance and pleasure through the stress hormones in your body.  Stress hormones like epinephrine and norepinephrine are released in a series of reactions that were actually designed to prepare your body to run or confront a threat.   Of course, your partner isn’t a threat which is why this response is so counterproductive to intimacy and sexual pleasure.  In other words, your partner’s body tends to react towards the underlying fear and its deposit.

Symptoms of Sexual Performance Anxiety

Your state of mind can have a big impact on your ability to get aroused.  Even if you are with someone who you find sexually appealing, worrying about whether you will be able to please your partner can make it impossible for you to do just that.

In men, one of the effects of the stress hormones is to constrict blood vessels.  Less blood flowing into the penis makes it more difficult to have an erection.  Even men who normally don’t have any trouble getting excited can become unable to get an erection when they are overcome by sexual performance anxiety.

Sexual performance anxiety is not diagnosed as often in women as it is in men, but it can affect arousal in women, too.  Anxiety can prevent women from getting lubricated enough to have sex and it can take away the physical desire to make love.

Anxiety can take both men and women out of the mindset needed to have sex, as sexual activity is solely dependent on the mindset and its interpretation in the brain.  When you are focused on whether you will perform well, you cannot concentrate on what you are doing in bed.  A distracted lover is an inattentive lover, which can make you feel like even more of a failure.  Even if you are able to get aroused, you may be too distracted to reach orgasm.

Sexual performance anxiety can lead to other problems in which you can even start to think you married a wrong partner.  Apart from thinking that way, you could device other negative ways of satisfying yourself which could be harmful to your marriage or relationship.

Overcoming Sexual Performance Anxiety

If you experience sexual performance anxiety, the first thing to do is to see a doctor and discuss your sex life.  The doctor can examine you and do some tests to make sure a health condition or medication isn’t causing your sexual performance issues.  During the examination, the doctor will ask about your sexual history to find out how long you’ve had sexual performance anxiety and what kinds of thoughts are interfering with your sex life.

Health conditions that cause sexual problems that can contribute to sexual performance anxiety issue include diabetes, heart and vascular (blood vessel) disease, neurological disorders, hormonal imbalances, kidney or liver disease.  In addition, alcoholism, drug abuse and the side effects of certain medication such as antidepressant drugs, can affect sexual desire and function.  Other psychological causes include work-related stress and anxiety, marital or relationship problems, depression, feelings of guilt as well as the effects of a past sexual trauma.

To overcome this problem, you are to get treated if found out you have medical issue causing or contributing to your problem.  But if after testing you could not find any medical angle to the problem then it could be a psychological issue.  To solve psychological problem, you have to re-format your mind and what it interprets with the brain.  Trace the causes of fears causing sexual performance anxiety and then deal with them adequately.  If it is the fear that you are too fat, work on yourself but remove such from your mind as far as your partner is not complaining about your size.  If the fear is as a result of marital disharmony or misunderstanding, resolve the problem and let peace reign.  When there is peace and lasting love between you and your partner, it can reduce or totally remove sexual performance anxiety.

Other things you can do to overcome sexual performance anxiety include:

Talk to a therapist:  Make an appointment with a counselor or therapist who is experienced

in treating sexual problems.  A therapist can teach you how to become more comfortable with your own sexuality and help you reduce or eliminate the issues that are causing your sexual performance anxiety.

Be open with your partner: Talking with your partner about your anxiety can help ease some of your worries.  Trying to get a solution together might actually bring you closer as a couple and improve your sexual relationship.

Exercise yourself: Not only will working out make you feel better about your body; it will also improve your stamina in bed.

To over come anxiety, you must take it easy on yourself no matter what is happening in order to avoid being victim of anxiety related problems.  Don’t hate yourself because of your size or anything but be grateful the way you are because you are the image of the living God.  Remove every fear and refill with confidence and meditate on the word of God that deals with your situation and use it to conquer the problem. As a couple, you both should always be in agreement and seek solution to your problems together.


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