By Fidelia Asogwa
This question has often been asked by women and men alike especially when intending to get married. It is a question asked when situation presents one with someone whom may not be one’s heart desire or as the case may be. But to be particulate, more women than men ask this question when it comes to choice of life partner. This is because women are those waiting to be found while men are those actually doing the search. And for the fact that men and women do not have equal privilege when it comes to searching for life partner, women most times are usually in the dilemma of deciding to marry even when they are not in love with the intending partner. At this point, the woman may be confused on the right decision to take. And that is when you have to face the reality.
As a relationship writer, so many people have asked me this question in order for them to make an informed decision and I have in various ways answered them depending on their peculiarities and what actually they need. Even though I have different answers for men when compared to women, but then you may find what I am about to say here interesting.
To be real, it is possible to walk down the aisle with someone you are not yet in love with especially for women. Why? You may ask. One thing I like people being to themselves is to be real and know how to face reality. Because of what is going on in our contemporary society, many women are confused when it comes to love, feeling, reality and choice of life partner. Many are so concerned about the feelings they must experience before walking down the aisle. And as far as such feeling is not forthcoming in the shortest period of time, the woman would just give up and assume there is no connection and so there is no need getting married to such man even when he is dying to express his love.
Coming from Biblical conjunction for women in search or waiting for life partner, there is nowhere in the Bible where you are commanded, admonished, warned or told that your prerequisite or what you must do before getting married is that you must be so much in love and have this unexplainable level of feeling before accepting the hand of the man who have come your way for marriage. I am not saying that it is wrong to love someone you are about getting married to but to correct some assertions some women make on why they don’t want to marry this man or that man.
For a woman waiting for life partner or about to marry, the Bible says in Sirach 37: 21 “A woman has to take any man as a husband…” What this invariable means is that a woman must choose one among the men coming for her and not to go after a man all because probably she does not like or love the kind coming for her.
It is not a must you must experience this strong “feeling” of yours before accepting a man’s hand in marriage. Remember, love is not just a feeling; it is a decision. Once you are able to find some of the things you need in a man and he loves you, make up your mind and decide to love him. If you fall in love, you may crash but if you decide to love, you can take up the challenges just as you have been taking other challenges of your past decisions.
It is not formal and not in our culture for a woman to chase after a man and make him her lover or husband, hence the chances of women encountering men that they may not like at the first sight. And for the fact that you would not want to grow old in your father’s house, you have to make up your mind and decide to love. Remember there are reasons why you may not love that man coming for you:
- Heartbreak experience: Some people because of their past heartbreak experience find it difficult to love again even when the new people in their lives are better than those who broke their hearts. As a woman who has experienced horrible heartbreak in the past, you may find it difficult to love again but you just have to look for your need in that next man and decide to love him. It might take time, but then true love takes gradual process to develop. It must not happen sudden. To avoid this complication, it is better to wait for your heart, mind and emotions to heal properly from a heartbreak before taking on another relationship. But you should never allow past hurts to stop you from moving ahead. Remember that the person who hurt you has moved on and so you must move on as well. He never deserved you that was why he left.
- Below expectation: Another reason why you may not love is because the person who has come your way is totally below your expectation. Take for instance, the person may be short while you want a tall man, the person may not be a graduate and probably you want a graduate. There may just be something you do not like in the person, hence you find it difficult loving the person. But on this I will always say “you can never find all you need or want in a life partner.” And so you have to think twice and make hay while the sun shines. Remember, women are like flowers that blossom in the morning and wither in the evening.
- Friends’ consideration: Some people do not love who love them back because they are thinking what their friends or families would say. Take for instance, assuming all your friends are married to rich men and suddenly a poor man comes your way, you may not even want to see or consider such a person as far as he does not belong to the “level” you want.
It is better you search your mind and find out those things that can stop you from loving and then deal with them so your mind can be clear to love again. As a woman, you should be wise enough to discern when to walk down the aisle even when you are yet to be in love with the man.
- When age is no longer on your side: Age is a factor when it comes to a woman waiting for life partner. As a realistic and a factual person, if you know there is no more age on your side and you are still waiting for “Mr. Charming” that is not forthcoming and there is a considerable good person begging to marry you and you are still refusing, you better think again. Re-evaluate your needs and make a decision. It may interest you to know that large number of women were not in love with their husbands before marrying them. They only developed such feelings and love after living with their husbands for years. Also know that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach but the way to a woman’s heart is through her vagina. If your man is caring, adoring and can make you feel like a woman on bed, sure with time you will be dying in love with him. It is just natural.
- When you have self respect: When you have self respect and dignity for yourself, you must wait for the man to come and then you accept and not for you as a woman to chase after him. In this regard, those that may come your way may not be exactly what you want and that may hinder you from loving. Be sincere to yourself and develop love for who loves you instead of loving who does not value you, cares about you or even have regards for you.
But for men, it is important for them to love their women before saying I do. This is because they have all the privileges to search and get if not exactly but near what they desire. And also the Bible commands them to love their wives as recorded in Ephesians 5:25 while the women were admonished to submit to their husbands as to the Lord. It is important for a man to love his wife in order to tolerate, endure and be faithful to her. But that does not mean he cannot be faced with the dilemma of marrying without the feeling of love because of unhealed heartbreak experience. It only takes the sense of a mature man to take decision in this regard. As a man, you can also make up your mind to love again giving it adequate time to develop.
I am not here to dismiss the importance of a woman’s love for her husband or intending husband but just trying to state the fact that love can be developed as far as you have respect and regard for the man involved.
As a woman, you need to check your age, evaluate what you need in a man concentrating on the internal qualities and then make up your mind to love who loves you. Do not be angry with yourself when you could not get exactly your desired man but try and turn that available man to you to your desired man. Remember that when the desirable is not available, the available becomes the desirable.
Another thing I want you to know is that you can actually pray to God to help you heal every wound in your heartbreak and help you to love again. It happens like every other miracle and you see God helping you to love again even better than the past.